When Your Teenager Is Struggling: A Parent's Guide to Knowing the Difference
Something has felt off with your teenager for a while now, and you have been trying to figure out whether to worry.
Maybe they used to talk to you and now they do not. Maybe their sleep, their eating, or their moods have shifted. Maybe they seem quieter than usual, or angrier than usual, or more distant. Maybe you have asked and they have said they are fine, and you cannot tell whether they mean it.
This is one of the hardest parts of parenting a teenager. Adolescence is genuinely a period of enormous change, and a lot of what looks concerning is also, at times, developmentally normal. Which makes it hard to know when to trust that your kid is going through a phase, and when something more is going on that would benefit from professional support.
This piece is meant to help with that question.
Normal Teenage Behaviour vs. Something More
Some shifts are part of the job of being a teenager. Wanting more privacy. Pulling away from parents somewhat while pulling toward peers. Sleeping later. Trying on different styles, opinions, and identities. Moodiness that seems to appear and disappear without warning. Not wanting to tell you everything.
These changes are real, and they can be uncomfortable for parents. But they are not, on their own, signs that something is wrong. In many cases, they are signs that a young person is doing the developmental work of becoming a separate person.
What tends to distinguish ordinary adolescence from something that warrants attention is a combination of three things: how significant the change is, how long it has lasted, and whether it is interfering with your teen's ability to function in the parts of life that matter to them.
A moody week after a hard breakup is one thing. A sustained shift in how your teen shows up in the world, that lasts weeks or months and does not lift, is a different signal.
What to Watch For
The following are worth paying attention to, particularly when they appear together or persist for more than a few weeks.
Withdrawal from things that used to matter. A teenager stepping back from a sport, a hobby, a friend group, or a passion they used to care about, and not replacing it with something new. Losing interest in what used to bring them joy is often more meaningful than losing interest in what you wish they would care about.
Significant changes in sleep or appetite. Sleeping much more or much less than usual. Eating noticeably more or less. Skipping meals when they did not before. Sleep and appetite are two of the earliest places emotional distress tends to show up.
Declining grades or school engagement that is out of character. A teenager who was engaged and is now checked out. Trouble concentrating. Suddenly not caring about things they used to work hard for.
Increased irritability or anger that seems disproportionate. Every teenager gets frustrated. What is worth noticing is when the anger seems bigger than the situation warrants, or when it is directed inward in ways that concern you.
Physical complaints without a clear medical cause. Stomachaches, headaches, unexplained tiredness. Sometimes anxiety and depression in teenagers show up physically before they show up in words.
Isolation. Spending significantly more time alone, particularly in ways that feel less like healthy solitude and more like retreat. Losing contact with friends. Avoiding family time in a way that has changed from how they used to be.
A shift in how they talk about themselves. Comments that suggest they see themselves as a burden, a failure, hopeless, or unwanted. These are worth taking seriously, even when they seem to be said in passing.
Signs That Need Attention Sooner Rather Than Later
Some signs warrant reaching out for professional support quickly rather than waiting to see.
These include: any direct or indirect talk about not wanting to be alive, wanting to hurt themselves, or thinking others would be better off without them. Any signs of self-harm. Sudden dramatic changes in mood or behavior that concern you. Giving away possessions that matter to them. Withdrawing from goodbyes or farewells in a way that feels off. Any substance use that is escalating.
You do not need to be certain these mean what you are afraid they mean. If you are noticing them, it is worth reaching out.
How to Talk to Your Teen About What You're Noticing
This is often the hardest part.
A few things tend to help:
Lead with what you have noticed, not what you have concluded. "I have noticed you have been sleeping a lot and haven't been going out with your friends as much lately" lands differently than "I am worried you are depressed."
Ask open questions and then be quiet long enough for them to answer. Teenagers often need more silence than adults are comfortable giving before they will speak. If they do not answer right away, try not to fill it.
Do not try to solve it in the first conversation. If they open the door even a little, resist the urge to walk all the way through. Just let them know you saw the opening and that you are here.
Try not to react from your own fear, even when what they share scares you. If you become visibly panicked when they share something hard, they may decide the cost of telling you the next hard thing is too high.
And let them know you love them regardless of what they tell you. Not as a statement about the outcome, but as a reminder that they are not going to lose your love for having a hard time.
What to Do When Your Teen Won't Talk to You
Sometimes they will not, and that is not a failure on your part.
Teenagers often do not want to bring their hardest things to the parents whose approval and love they need most. It can feel too high stakes. Which is precisely why an outside adult, someone who is not part of the family system and does not need anything from them, can sometimes be exactly right.
A therapist gives your teen a place where they can talk without worrying about your reaction, without needing to protect you, and without having to hold up the identity you know them as at home. That does not mean you are being replaced. It means they have a place to do work they may not be able to do with you, at least not yet.
When to Reach Out for Professional Support
You do not need to wait until things are dire. Reaching out earlier tends to make the work shorter and less intense than waiting until crisis. It is entirely reasonable to reach out because you have noticed a shift and you want a professional to help you and your teen figure out what is going on.
If you are noticing any of the more urgent signs listed above, particularly any talk about not wanting to be alive, do not wait. In the United States, you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. In an immediate emergency, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
Therapy for Teens at Hearth
Hearth Counseling & Consulting offers therapy for adolescents in Raleigh, Apex, and virtually across North Carolina. Several of our clinicians specialize in working with teenagers, and we work carefully with parents to make sure the family is supported alongside the young person.
If you are unsure whether therapy is the right next step for your teen, a consultation is a good place to start. It gives you a chance to describe what you have been noticing and to ask questions before deciding anything. You do not have to have it all figured out first. That is part of what we are here for.
About the Author
Marina Cline, MA, LCMHC-S, PMH-C, EMDR-CIT
Marina Cline is a licensed clinical mental health counselor, trauma therapist, and the owner of Hearth Counseling & Consulting in Raleigh, North Carolina. She specializes in working with women and mothers, particularly around pregnancy, postpartum, and the emotional challenges that come with those transitions. Marina is passionate about helping women feel supported in seasons where they are often expected to hold everything together. Whether it's anxiety, burnout, or the invisible load of motherhood, her work focuses on creating space for women to be seen, heard, and cared for, too.
