The Wounds That Wonder Heals
How Asking Questions Treats Anxiety & Trauma
If you've been around a young child at some point, you've likely heard them ask "why?" and then, usually, "why?" again…and again…and again.
Children learn about the world around them and about themselves in relation to the world by asking why. They're not focused solely on the actual content of the response. There is much to be said about how their questions are responded to, not just the response itself.
Children gather data from the nonverbal cues embedded in the response (posture, tone, etc.) and apply that to how they feel you are responding to them, as an extension of the response to their question. Children center their worlds around themselves, so a warm, nurturing response to their question gives them a warm, nurtured feeling about themselves. A closed-off response tells them "oops, I did something I shouldn't have", and when that repeats itself, it can contribute to a feeling that something is inherently wrong with them.
Our instincts tell us our survival depends on being accepted by our community, and especially by our caregivers, so when we get that feeling of "oops, I did something I shouldn't have" after asking a question to an important person in our life, we might try to shut down that curiosity.
The issue with that is, the reason for the curiosity doesn’t disappear. Much like trying to ignore an itch, the need to scratch just gets more distressing until you attend to it. A rash doesn’t go away because you’re told you shouldn’t feel itchy or because someone you’re dependent on doesn’t have capacity to support your need to itch.
How This Relates to Anxiety and Trauma
When someone has experienced trauma or anxiety, they likely have been told by an important person in their lives to stop talking about it. They may have learned, directly through words or indirectly through nonverbal cues, that they should be ashamed, embarrassed, or "just suck it up".
Again, the issue that arises is related to an unmet need.
The distress of anxiety and trauma is often rooted in unprocessed memories, and the need to find healing through processing what happened doesn't disappear because someone told you not to talk about it. That creates an avoidance behavior that can actually reinforce and strengthen the intensity of symptoms. This is exactly the kind of work that EMDR therapy and trauma-focused approaches are designed to address.
Unprocessed memories resemble a song that keeps replaying in your mind.
Think of unprocessed memories like a song that gets stuck in your head. It's usually just a phrase, rarely the entire song, and oftentimes when you're not really sure what the rest of the lyrics say. That leaves your brain with unanswered questions. The repetitive pattern is your brain looking to finish the song.
If you tell yourself not to think about the song, you'll likely find the opposite to be true, and the song remains stuck in your head. If you focus on how much you hate that song, you might find your mood impacted by that distress.
A similar experience can happen when we learn that unprocessed trauma or anxiety is off-limits for questions. When our natural curiosity is pushed aside by feelings of distress or avoidance, our brains become stuck in a state of information-seeking.
When Distress Becomes Part of Your Identity
Another situation that can shut down curiosity is when anxiety or traumatic distress has been in our lives for so long it's become part of our identity. So entrenched in who we are that we start to include that in our self-descriptions. "I'm an anxious person", or "I don't do well in medical settings" or "I don't do crowds". This is problematic because it indicates that we've given up on the possibility that things could be different. (Kidron, 2012, pp. 755-778)
Check in with yourself about some of the topics that cause you distress. The parts of your experiences that feel "stuck in your head". Now ask yourself, what if it didn't have to be like that?
The Reason Behind the Question
Irene Gouge, a local sleep coach and postpartum doula with Loving Lessons Learned (https://www.lovinglessonslearned.com/) encourages parents to get curious about the question behind the question.
She says:
“When children ask the same question repeatedly, parents often focus on finding the right answer. Try pausing and asking yourself, I wonder why my child is asking this and what they are really trying to understand? The reason behind the question often reveals a deeper need for reassurance, clarity, connection, or understanding. By approaching a child's questions with curiosity rather than rushing to solve the problem, parents gain valuable insight into what their child is experiencing. The question being asked is often not the real question that needs to be answered. When we stay on the surface and answer only the original question, we’re missing the opportunity to make real progress.”
Anxiety and trauma treatment can look a bit like that sometimes. We focus on calming the physiological response to the emotional distress. While that’s a useful tool, it might not address the reason behind the question. Like putting healing balm on an itch that keeps coming back because we didn’t investigate and address the cause.
The same is true for using surface-level treatment for emotional wounds. Sure, regulating strategies calm the nervous system, but do they heal the wound, or do they just give us a method of coping with it? A temporary strategy when there are other more permanent solutions.
This is why individual therapy focuses not just on managing symptoms, but on understanding what's underneath them. (Staff, 2026)
Finding Calm Through Curiosity
The next time you feel anxious or upset, rather than trying to shush that response like a frustrated adult might do to a child who has asked one too many whys that day, or reinforcing the unfortunate lesson you were taught that you should avoid talking about your emotional pain, try engaging with the experience by wondering why.
First, apply a "topical treatment" of relief with some regulating strategies such as deep breathing.
Then, ask yourself with genuine curiosity:
Why am I feeling like this?
Where might this be coming from?
Can I label this emotion more specifically?
Some options include: scared, angry, hurt, disappointed, or unsupported.
Where am I feeling this in my body?
What is my heart rate like?
What is my breathing like?
What is the threat?
Increased heart rate and short, fast breath patterns often indicate a survival response to a perceived threat.
Ask yourself what threat you’re trying to protect yourself from. Is it real or imagined? If it's imagined, what real version might this situation be reminding you of?
Give yourself the freedom of a child with unlimited capacity for the question "why" and see where it takes you.
If you're in therapy, write down your reflections and bring them to session for your therapist to process with you.
When It Helps to Have Support
Curiosity is a powerful tool, but it doesn't replace the deeper work of processing what's beneath the surface. If you find yourself returning to the same distressing thoughts, struggling with postpartum anxiety, or carrying the weight of experiences that haven't been processed, you don't have to do that work alone. At Hearth Counseling & Consulting, we specialize in trauma therapy, EMDR, and maternal mental health support. We meet clients where they are and help them process what's underneath. You're welcome here.
About the Author
Amy Mistarz, MA, LCMHC, PMH-C
Amy is the Director of Operations at Hearth Counseling & Consulting. She is also a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and became certified in Perinatal Mental Health after her own experiences with fertility treatment, pregnancy loss, and difficulties adjusting to motherhood. She enjoys sharing tools with other families to support them with the universal struggles of parenting in all its forms.
References
Kidron, C. A. (2012). Alterity and the Particular Limits of Universalism Comparing Jewish-Israeli Holocaust and Canadian-Cambodian Genocide Legacies. Current Anthropology 53, pp. 755-778. https://doi.org/10.1086/668449
Staff, M. C. (2026). Somatic Symptom Disorder - Diagnosis and Treatment. Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/somatic-symptom-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20377781