The Weight of Waiting: Coping With Infertility
Warning:
The following blog post contains sensitive information related to infertility, pregnancy and pregnancy loss, and trying to conceive. Please proceed with caution.
The Test on the Counter
You're waiting, anticipation filling your whole chest. You look down at a test sitting on the counter, turned over, hoping that somehow hiding on the other side are 2 pink lines. The timer goes off; you slowly turn the test over... one lonely pink line. Your heart sinks at the blank space where the other line should be, where you knew it would be. You tracked your cycle, you took the ovulation tests, you ate healthy, you exercised. It didn't work. Still not pregnant. It really felt like this would be the time it worked.
Infertility is something that does not always get talked about openly, whether that is from shame, fear, or not knowing what to say. But the pain of infertility feeds off of the isolation and loneliness this journey can bring. Not having someone understand the depth and nuance of your pain; not being fully seen in your experience can make it all that much heavier.
When Infertility Happened to Me
When infertility happened to me, I wasn't always sure how to navigate it in the moment. I was scared and anxious about all of the unknowns.
Unexplained infertility. Seeing those words didn't make any sense to my brain. I couldn't comprehend how, after all of the testing and questions, I still didn't have a clear answer. Part of me wanted something to blame it all on, and another part of me felt hopeful that it meant they really couldn't find anything wrong and so I still had a chance. So we weighed our options and decided that IVF would be the next step to take after several failed IUI's, a miscarriage, and a year of not being able to get pregnant on our own.
Starting the IVF Journey
I remember the first time I sat down in front of my computer to meet with our new fertility doctor to start our IVF journey. I was so nervous that I had written down every possible question that popped into my head prior to the meeting. That list made me feel so over the top; how could I possibly have so many questions? It was just step one, learning the lay of the land; traveling into parts unknown with a huge leap of faith. It was setting myself up for so many sacrifices to get to the ultimate goal of becoming a mother. The shots, the pills, the pain, my hormones going haywire, the waiting week after week…all for just a chance. I knew it was a risk I was willing to take, but it was terrifying.
For months, years even, trying to conceive was all I could think about. It consumed my every thought, my every choice. I began to feel guilty that it was taking over my life in ways I could have never imagined. But then I realized that it was my biggest goal, to become a mom, and I knew I would follow any path that could lead me there. And during my IVF journey, I was in it. I had every protocol written down, the frequent appointment reminders in my phone for monitoring, medication bottles and needle packs littered my counter, shots stood upright in my fridge, Band-Aids were on my bedside table for post-shot ouchies, a heating pad to help with the pain, and my transfer date highlighted on my calendar. I wanted to feel hopeful and take the leap, just for that chance.
Moving Through the World While Grieving
Having to move through the world while being deep in your infertility journey can feel like avoiding land mines everywhere you go. Mothers carrying their babies through stores, watching the pregnant woman walk past you on the street, seeing the diaper commercials with sweet, sleeping babies; they're all reminders of what you don't have.
Finding Ways to Cope
Finding ways to cope through infertility can feel impossible. Finding community, holding space for the hard moments as well as the little wins, creating personal coping strategies, and learning to live in the uncertainty can be a good place to start. [1]
Acceptance and Commitment (ACT) Strategies
Being able to determine the values that are most important to you and seeking acceptance of experiences that are out of your control. It is living life to the fullest despite suffering and hardship. For example, recognition that you may not be able to control whether you get pregnant or not but continuing to live a life that aligns with your values. [2]
Cognitive Behavioral (CBT) Strategies
Learning to identify and modify rigid thoughts to more flexible thinking, open to possibilities. For example, shifting the thought from "I will never be a parent" to "I'm not a parent yet" can help decrease levels of distress.
Personalized Coping Strategies
Work to focus on the things that make you happy, feel good, and align with what's important to you. Whether it's keeping up with your workout routine, seeing your friend for coffee every Thursday morning, or getting your nails done. Working with a therapist through individual therapy can help you build these strategies in a way that fits your life.
Community Support
Being able to connect with others who have experienced infertility or are currently going through infertility is a wonderful way to feel seen, understood, and less alone. It is also a way to learn from others what worked for them.
You Are Seen. Your Experience Is Valid.
All forms and experiences of infertility are difficult to navigate. The inability to get pregnant, getting pregnant but continuing to miscarry, secondary infertility, or not knowing what the barrier is to getting pregnant. Allow yourself to feel the weight of it all and keep taking the next step forward. Always know that you are seen and your experience is valid, no matter what it looks like.
Support Through Your Journey
At Hearth Counseling & Consulting, we understand that the emotional weight of infertility deserves care and space of its own. Our perinatal and women's therapy services support people navigating fertility challenges, pregnancy loss, IVF, and the difficult in-between spaces of trying to conceive. You don't have to carry this alone.
References
About the Author
Kelsey Parker, MS, LCMHC
Kelsey is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor at Hearth Counseling & Consulting. She works with adults, teens, couples, and families navigating life's challenges, including relational and family issues, trauma, maternal mental health, infertility, life transitions, and identity exploration. Kelsey brings a person-centered, systemic, and trauma-informed lens to her work, drawing on nine years in the mental health field. She also shares from her own journey with unexplained infertility and IVF.